Ladies and Jellybeans…beans…beans…!
Please give a warm welcome to our eight contestants. They’ve come from all over the country (not really) to strut their stuff and show you, the judges, that they’ve got what it takes to be the Next My Blue Screen Epic Blog Header 2011! Give it up! Yay!
(Snacks and refreshments down at the bottom next to the polling booth and — hold on. Oh, we’re looking for the owner of the green Chevy Cavalier, license plate L8RG8R…yes, sir. Your lights are on. You’re welcome.)
And yes, the rumors are true…for each vote cast, I will eat one Nutter Butter. I got my fat pants on and a gallon of milk in the fridge. I’m ready.
~ Contestant No. 1 ~
Sexy and not afraid to show it, Epic1 is in your face and proud of it. “Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m about,” she sasses. “Ain’t like I’m trying to hide nothing!”
~ Contestant No. 2~
Sensitive and mysterious, Epic2 enjoys walks through the woods and writes poetry about his carbon footprint. He also loves kicking Rock Band ass on his PS3.
~ Contestant No. 3 ~
An artist in her own right, Epic3 directed the photographer on this shot to better highlight her gradient umbra. “It’s just a matter of having good taste,” she explains. She is also a huge Barbra Streisand fan.
~ Contestant No. 4 ~
Epic4 is a self-proclaimed neo hippie who believes that faith, sex, and rock and roll is what will save us from the aliens. She lives in SoHo, commits accidental splatter abstract art (a subgenre she claims credit for), and works as an office manager at a small accounting firm.
~ Contestant No. 5 ~
Just as stunning and gorgeous as her redheaded twin sister, Epic5 lives in Hollywood, California. She does drugs.
~ Contestant No. 6 ~
Epic6 teaches middle school language arts and is an avid Civil War Recreationalist. He believes it’s important for folks to learn all three meanings of the word “epic.” He also wanted us to let you know that he’s available to referee battlefield skirmishes, just in case you needed someone who can do that.
~ Contestant No. 7 ~
Shy and demure, Epic7 believes in leaving a little to the imagination. She models long underwear and wool socks for a small clothing company in Anchorage, Alaska, and teaches tantric sex for beginners down at the “Y.” She also makes a mean mac ‘n cheese.
~ Contestant No. 8 ~
Always the class clown, Epic8 is playful for the camera behind a swirl of honey. He loves driving to random places, but admits he has a terrible sense of direction. He has Darth Vader’s voice on his GPS.